Math Is Fun Forum

Never eat more than you can lift. - Miss Piggy

Everyone's entitled to my opinion. - Madonna

If you don't have anything nice to say about anyone... come sit by me. - Alice Longworth

When faced with a decision always ask
"What would be the most fun?" - Peggy Walker

I never know how much of what I say is true. - Bette Midler

What you eat standing up doesn't count. - Beth Barnes

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win... you're still a rat. -Lily Tomlin

If you're all wrapped up in yourself, you are overdressed. - Kate Halverson

Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance? - Phyllis

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
9) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the row of oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to tests on the subject.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Lets face it--English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweet breads, which aren't sweet at all, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. Sometimes, I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. What other reason could there be for saying that people
recite at a play and play at a recital? Or, ship cargo by truck and send cargo by ship? Or, have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race which, of course, isn't a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary,
my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
He said, 'Please Mary, put down the gun...'

OK, I'm a six foot, three inch version of um....George Clooney....built like Sylvester Stallone....and I'm a multi-millionaire....so be nice to me....

....OK, I'm an ugly ol' cuss:p (hope I can make you laugh)

A man walks into a dental office.
"What can I do for you?"

"I think I'm a moth."

"You don't need a dentist, you need a psychiatrist!"

"I know!"

"Well, why did you come in here then?"

"The light was on . . . "

I'm sure all of you have had a situation just about like this. Perhaps with the phone company,etc. Talking to big companies an exercise in futility. If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer service then you will really appreciate this.
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around -$60.00)

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me .?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given...)

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given.)

( After they get the fax.)

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " (Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given.)

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"